Get a Free Tree Just for Chopping Down a Jizz-Smelling One

By Andrea Arnold On Mar 7, 2024

Have you ever walked down your street and wondered where that godawful semen smell was coming from? (Get your mind out of the gutters.) It’s the Callery pear trees — the bane of our spring existence.

If you hate them, you’re in luck. The Missouri Invasive Plant Council, Forest ReLeaf of Missouri, Forrest Keeling Nursery and the Missouri Department of Conservation will literally reward you with a new tree for cutting down a Callery pear tree from your property with a “buyback” program.

Registration for the program starts next week, and St. Louisans who complete event registration will receive a Missouri native tree in place of the jizz-smelling one on April 23.

“As we prepare for spring, many Callery pear trees — also known as Bradford pears — are already beginning to bloom,” Carol Davit, chair of the Missouri Invasive Plant Council, said in a statement. “The profuse white blossoms of this highly invasive tree make their alarming spread especially apparent this time of year, along roadsides, in fields, parks and on private property.”

They’re honestly like a toxic relationship — beautiful with their flourishing white flowers, but all too ready to smack you in the face with the smell of cum without even asking permission.

Registration for destruction of these trees is open from March 15 through April 15. Those registering will choose their location, select a tree, upload the photo of the recently deceased Callery pear tree, and then on April 23 receive one free, non-invasive, native tree — that hopefully smells better. The native trees, donated by Forest ReLeaf and Forrest Keeling Nursery, will be potted in 3-gallon containers and will stand between two and four feet tall.

Ejaculate — sorry — eradicate the Callery pear tree by visiting the Missouri Invasive Plant website.

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