Stop us if you’ve heard this one: An anti-abortion activist and a transphobe walk into an election — and immediately fit right in with the slate of other Republican candidates vying to be Missouri’s next Secretary of State.
OK fine, we’ll admit it’s not the funniest of jokes, but it is an accurate summation of the state of things now that the Republican field is set for this state office. Tuesday’s 5 p.m. candidate filing deadline saw even more conservative wingnuts jumping into an already crowded race, as embattled House Speaker Dean Plocher, anti-abortion crusader Mary Elizabeth Coleman, a St. Charles judge whose active YouTube page has tens of followers, and a (kind of?) pro-choice Republican all threw their hats into the ring.
On the Overall Insanity Spectrum™, these candidates range in crazy from someone who dared to paint their brick house white in Benton Park (sheer lunacy) to a climate change denier (deficient in survival instincts) who operates a carpet cleaning company (not that crazy, just kinda tedious work).
To better inform your voting choices so you can perform your civic duty and pick the candidate with the level of insanity that best matches your own, we’ve compiled a brief recap of who is in the race so far.
Dean Plocher
Embattled House Speaker Dean Plocher switched races and jumped in the running for Secretary of State Tuesday. Also on Tuesday, the House Ethics Committee held its fifth hearing into his misconduct scandal — but don’t look over there, look over here, at the campaign announcement, he begs of you.
The Des Peres Republican is an avid Donald Trump fanboy who made sure to slip a line kissing the former President’s ass into his campaign announcement. The main portion of said announcement, however, centered on his fear-mongering claim that he will ensure only American citizens vote in state elections — a pretty easy campaign goal to achieve considering it is already illegal for non-citizens to vote. (Though Plocher has infamously been accused of many things, being a particularly hard worker isn’t one of them.)
Notably, Plocher was also recently featured in the RFT for his attempt to pander to Israel — which among other things it should be pointed out is not located within Missouri’s borders — when he introduced a resolution that would commend the country and declare it “a great friend and ally of the United States.” If only Plocher was running for the title of Ass-Kisser-of-State he’d be a lock.
Mary Elizabeth Coleman
In classic notes-app screenshot form, anti-abortion activist (and state senator) Mary Elizabeth Coleman announced her candidacy for Secretary of State on X (formerly known as Twitter) on Tuesday, promising to stand up to “woke ideology.”
Coleman is one of the driving forces behind Missouri’s abortion ban, and her crusade is only gaining traction in the state. She has also fought to make it illegal for a person get an abortion in a different state, for some reason, and is awfully cagey about rape and incest exceptions in abortion law.
Valentina Gomez Noriega
Gomez — also known as “that unhinged book burning” lady — is running for Secretary of State as a 24-year-old immigrant who hates what she calls “illegal” immigrants. Unfortunately, Gomez lives in St. Louis, and what perhaps stirred more controversy than her bizarre publicity stunt wherein she stole and burned two LGBTQ+ library books is the fact that she painted her red brick house in Benton Park white, a cardinal sin around these parts.
Gomez’s platform is heavily dependent on her promise to “burn all the books” that she claims are indoctrinating children. In a statement where she touts this part of her platform, she quickly follows it up with “MAGA. America First,” which totally doesn’t sound like nationalist indoctrination at all.
Adam Schwadron
Adam Schwadron, from St. Charles, is the proud owner and operator of Clean Carpet Company. He’s also an Eagle Scout, an NRA member, and has a side gig as a state representative. Schwadron was first elected in 2020. Among his legislative contributions are a bill designating Provel as the official cheese of Missouri and a concurrent resolution calling for a convention of states to repeal the 16th Amendment. He has also co-sponsored a resolution sucking up to Texas Governor Gregg Abott for his actions at the border.
Jamie Corley
Perhaps the most moderate person in this crowded conservative race, Jamie Corley is a longtime congressional staffer who wants to add exceptions to Missouri’s abortion ban for rape and incest and legalize abortion up to 12 weeks.
Though that stance does set her apart from the pack, Corley may have a tough time really standing out in this election, given the insane headline-grabbing stunts of candidates like Gomez, and she may be a lesser-known name than Coleman in GOP circles that care deeply about abortion. But who knows? As Corley tells St. Louis Public Radio, she is more aligned with Donald Trump’s view on abortion than most other Republican candidates.
Mike Carter
Carter is a St. Charles judge who also has his own video-podcast situation going on. His show, Justice & Journalism with Judge Mike Carter, airs on Fox and ABC, according to his campaign. It has a whopping 150 subscribers on YouTube.
Kimberly Bell
Bell has worked as the county clerk of McDonald County, Missouri, since 2015. (Yes, that is a place; we Googled to confirm.) We don’t know much about her at this point in the race, and her campaign site is largely under construction. We do know that she is a decades-long devout Christian and that she has quite the resume.
“Kimberly has served her community as a Volunteer Firefighter/First Responder, Community Emergency Response Team (CERT) member, American Legion, Republican Club, Republican Club Central Committee, American Legion Riders, and much more,” her website touts.
We don’t know what she wants to do if elected, or what she stands for — but if she is anything like some of the state’s other Republican candidates, we can’t wait to find out.
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